Xena: Warrior Princess

Evil king: TWO Xenas?!

Xena: That's right. Makes ya wanna cry like a baby doesn't it?

Joxer: I've seen evil and I've changed my ways.

Jet: Bro if you saw evil you'd have to change your PANTS.

Priestess Leia: You AREN'T virgins?!

Gabrielle: Well *I* was married at the time.

Priestess Leia: Well we all have our little EXCUSES hmm?

Xena: How I feel about you doesn't matter. It's you who has to live with yourself.

Xena: Joxer you can barely kill TIME.

Xena: Callisto I didn't come here to fight!

Callisto: Well then ... you shouldn't have come at all.

Callisto: Welcome to my world ... now get ready to leave it.

Theater Critic: I hear "Buffus the Bacchae Slayer" is playing next door.

(Autolycus is refusing to help Xena and Gabrielle.)

Gabrielle: Autolycus an innocent person is going to die!

Autolycus: No he isn't because he's leaving.

Autolycus: Ah another day another defilement.

Autolycus: Choose the one drink you wouldn't give your worst enemy and give me a double.

Autolycus: Distracts me? A beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub? (Laughs) ... Where was I?

Gabrielle: I've been grabbed more times than the golden fleece.

Autolycus: Talk is cheap. I have an expensive ear.

Autolycus: A good thief like a good lover takes his time ... has patience.

Autolycus: I'm not as dumb as he looks.

Autolycus: There's a concept called personal space. Look into it.

Minya: I expect more from the god of war. I mean without his powers he's just another man. Just another big ol' leather-clad well-muscled gorgeous hunka bad boy ... man.

Gabrielle: How are your hormones?

Minya: Raging! I think I'll go see Howard.

Xena: You may be immortal but I can still do damage. How'd you like to spend eternity in 5 pieces?

Joxer: Rise and shine everyone! Rise and shine!

Gabrielle: I'll rise but I refuse to shine!

Joxer: "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk." Gabrielle awoke with a jerk that's a funny phrase.

Ares: Danger excites you ... and as you know I am somewhat dangerous

Xena: I have *many* skills.

Gabrielle: Another one's fallen for you.

Xena: Again? What is it?

Gabrielle: Oh the blue eyes... the leather. Men love leather.

Xena: I think it's time for a wardrobe change.

Gabrielle: Yeah. You could try wearing chainmail.

Xena: Nah. That'd just attract a kinkier group.

Xena: What's her problem?

Gabrielle: Oh she's just in the grip of the "I'll do anything for the Warrior Princess" haze.

Xena: Maybe you didn't hear me Doctor. Getting pregnant requires a certain physical element that I haven't had for a long time ... I'm talking a VERY long time. I am a love-free zone so it is utterly *impossible* that I be up the duff! What's your diagnosis *now*?

Gabrielle: You know her boyfriend is in love with you. Guess I'll have to straighten that out too.

Xena: You? Why you?

Gabrielle: Because *I* do the sensitive chats.

Gabrielle: (singing) Oh let me tell you a story 'bout Gabrielle cute young thing who's looking really swell. Perfect hair such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and a firm young...

Cyclops: Shut up! I hate chatty food.

Ares: What she did when I had her on trial for her life... amazing! And she did it all with that that you know steely gaze thing you know the one I mean?

Gabrielle: Yep. Seen that one a few times.

Xena: Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me.

Brunnehilda: Is Xena ALL you think about?

Gabrielle: She's my family she's the most important thing in my life!

Eve: I can feel it... there's something evil here. Something's not right.

Gabrielle: That's because you're standing next to the portal to hell.

(Virgil tries to fill Gabrielle's cup with more wine)

Gabrielle: No no I've had enough!

Virgil: Perhaps. But it would help us bridge a gap more easily since we last saw each other.

Gabrielle: You mean it would make me drunk and loose.

Virgil: No one understands my words better than you Gabrielle.

Archangel Michael: You dare talk of heaven when you've besmirched so many souls with your nefarious filth?

Xena: Besmirched... is that even a real word?

Gabrielle: Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soulmates.