SCI FI PI

Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro
Director Michael Bay
Rated PG
Out June 24





This isn't so much a sexist, racist melange, but an insult to people everywhere. Which is pretty impressive, given it's just meant to be a popcorn-muncher about robots that become cars and other assorted vehicles.

Aimed at spoiled ten year olds (yes, it's aimed at people who have less discretion than amped up 14 year olds) this brings back the mediocrity that so many fanboys remember from the Transformers cartoons in their 80's hey day. It's just a whole lot bigger, louder and more expensive.





If you are the kind of person who gets excited because a particular type of vehicle transformed (say... a dump truck) then you need to, unequivocally, get a life. Or grow up.

As an analogy as to why the film doesn't work - to win the hearts and minds of the people, Roman politicians would spend money on bread and circuses, entertaining and nourishing voters. This film is all circuses. It has the lax attitudes to plot logic and human psychology (and robot psychology) often attributed to low budget Bollywood films. A lot of the action sequences are reminiscent of 70's Phillipino Kung Fu movies, with hero and girl running from mismatched shot to mismatched shot, tied together only by relentless accents on gun fire. What the film needs is a little bread. Just a crumb, please! But all we get is the invasion of the greasy orange people.





For Australians, Isabel Lucas's blockbuster debut would have been greater had she appeared as a colour found in nature. It's also good to see too that she's lost those pesky kilos that made her look like a human being. Welcome to Hollywood, Bay style.

If you saw the first movie and grudgingly accepted that it might have been passably entertaining, this film removes any room to manouvre. It has so many faults that any bright spark of design or slick music video style cinematography can, in no way, salvage it.

Often, with this kind of film, one can say 'see it on the big screen - enjoy the sheer spectacle, ignore the faults'. In this case, even the brilliant immersive experience of Imax cannot save it - in fact, the bigger the screen, the more overwhelming it becomes. Not in a 'oh you young people and you loud noises' kind of way, but in a 'throw up in your mouth' kind of way. Shots of giant transforming robots are too tight, meaning your face is jammed into a whirl of twisting metal, your eyes unable to focus. Perhaps this film works on a mobile phone screen, but in cinemas, it's brutal.





The brutality extends to the characters and their treatment - Megan Fox seems to be 'acting' in a rather busy FHM shoot, as does Isabel Lucas, who for some reason as a killer robot, needs to have sex with her victim beforehand. They serve no other purpose other than eye candy. In a PG movie, sneaky shots of hinted front-bottom really are beyond the pale. But the female characters are consistent with the rest of the film - unsubtle fantasy objects of an unreconstructed mind - for the unconstructed mind. Racism of this scale hasn't been seen since Jar Jar - and this is a post Jar Jar film, so there's no excuse for the idea that 'black' robots cannot read, have gold teeth and are unable to hold a coherent thought.

It's simply amazing that this actually exists.





The film may look like a blast zone for the Halo generation, but it seems more to be for the Hasbro clientele - the tween boys desperate to recreate the battles on screen, as soon as they can get their hands on the slightly unaffordable plastic toys.

This makes the film an exact replica of the original series - a mere excuse to move product. It is just a giant toy commercial. Thus any attempt to have human interaction beyond the complexity understood by a ten year old boy is pointless. As is discussion of the film as 'art'. The real shame of it is that whilst there are some pretty cool designs (the original versions of the Transformers in pre-tech Earth are intriguing) Bay's camera style lingers porno-like over the GM cars, but not the Hasbro Transformers. Thus GM (or what's left of it) got their money's worth, but Hasbro did not. Unless Hasbro are planning on releasing a giant indistinguishable mash of metal called Bay-obot.

This movie may be of use in reviving coma patients, but as entertainment, it is appallingly unappealing. If you enjoy this movie, seek urgent medical attention or psychological counselling.