SCI FI PI

It's mammoth!

Released March 6
Starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Rated M

Science Fiction fans have a leg-up on the rest of the audience when it comes to this latest offering from Roland Emmerich. Pity those fools who are struggling with the concepts of 'historical accuracy' and 'geographical accuracy'. If you've seen Stargate, you'll soon recognise that 10000 BC may look like it's on earth, but it's not. 10000 BC is a strange planet, far, far away, where the laws of logic are very similar to those in a Conan movie. Some may say 10000 BC is Conan the Barbarian meets Stargate, but we'd never say that. That's far too obvious. Like the film.





The film opens in sparse and rocky mountains, the perfect place to find herds of mammoth roaming the rolling tundra like prehistoric bison. A voice over (unfortunately) begins and we realise we're stuck with it the whole way through. This is a shame, because the acerbic exteriors have such a harsh beauty that they would work far better without words. We're introduced to 'the tribe' and the ways of the mammoth hunters. We're also introduced to the mysterious foundling left to them - a girl with blue eyes.





This is the one of many streaks of pseudo-history that runs throughout the film. The idea the different races all on earth in 10000 BC and cross-pollinating is great fun. And by fun, we mean 'funny'. As is the way our mammoth hunters hunt down their woolly friends. But you know what, we could go through this film frame by frame and rip it apart as nonsense. That's not going to help anyone. It's time to return to the guiding light of Science Fiction and accept this world as one that's far, far away, and whatever happens, shrug your shoulders and say, 'okay!'





First we meet our hero (newcomer Steven Strait) who, after bringing a mammoth down, gets the girl (ol' blue eyes, Camilla Belle - who likes she's stepped directly out of a Santa Monica mall) and they look set for the good fur-covered life.

So when horse-mounted (!) raiders go slaving and steal our blue-eyed girl, and our hero sets off to get her back, say 'okay!'.

When our hero gets stuck in a pit with a sabre-tooth tiger and they form a 'bond' we say 'okay!'.

When we trip down from the rocky mountains to lush green foothills and meet Zulu-like warriors who've discovered agriculture, we say 'okay!'.

When we start collecting armies from all the races of the world who've had people stolen by the slavers and head off through the desert, we say 'okay!'. It's only when we reach The Nile and see the weird and beautiful ships sailing away that we realise that we're actually in 'Stargate: The Early Years'.





When we see the most fantastic shot of the pyramids (maybe the very first pyramids, like, ever?) being built by an army of slaves and helped by herds of domesticated mammoth, we know we're not really on earth anymore, and when we hear stories of the rulers who may have came from a land that sank beneath the sea or maybe from the stars, then we know we're we are - in Goa'uld territory! If only we'd known from the start, then we wouldn't be so dismissive of the rubbish that we'd seen in the first half of the film.





The events of the final act of the film play out to the Stargate form guide. Topple false gods anyone? In fact, that's possibly the ultimate downfall for the whole film. The plot is entirely and utterly predictable. Whilst there are some fine shots and some moments of good action, the film has little to offer in originality, and the CGI animals aren't quite realistic enough to inspire true emotion - they act as a mere spectacle. The 'historical' elements are broad strokes at best, and at best treated as mere props, much like most of the cast. Poor old Cliff Curtis, an excellent actor, has difficulty standing alone in less-than-stellar company.





So you will have a few 'wow' moments, but as events draw out to their obvious conclusion, you can just shake your head and wonder why someone didn't help out Mr Emmerich and say, 'yes, but you did this before in Stargate'. Maybe they did, and maybe he said, 'so what? - this is my movie and I'll do it exactly the way I want to and I don't care what the audience thinks!'

'okay!'